


Keep Moving Forward

by OptimisticDreamer



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, At least in my opinion, F/M, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), POV Third Person, Past Erwin Smith, Past Relationship(s), but maybe leaning a little more to OC’s POV, sorry if it’s ooc, what it’d look like if Erwin fell in love with someone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 06:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18405329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OptimisticDreamer/pseuds/OptimisticDreamer
Summary: Since the beginning, she was there with and for him and had grown to mean something special to Erwin. And of course he didn’t realize it until it was too late.





	Keep Moving Forward

**Author's Note:**

> First post on here! Please give constructive criticism or anything that you’d think would help my writing, I plan on posting more. (not of this little short though)
> 
> (E/c)= eye color  
> (H/c)= haircolor  
> {~}= time gap  
> ~= small time gap  
> ~~~= flashback  
> ••= year

•823• When He was 11 years old, she was 9

“Erwiiiiiin,” She dragged out the name of her best friend who was seated outside against a tree trunk, heavily reading as usual, “always outside but never appreciating the beauty around you.”

Erwin looked up from his textbook. His best friend with long, beautifully colored hair came into view, her baby blue colored dress danced with the wind as she jogged towards him. He almost smiled when he saw her excited expression, but he wasn’t one to show much enthusiasm for anything — almost anything.

“Did my father tell you where to find me again?” He chuckled, pulling back his blond bangs and straightening his shirt.

“Nope, and as the hide-and-seek champion, I have to say that you lack the skill to properly hide yourself anyway.” She smirked, it had been years since they played that but she never failed to mention it whenever she got the chance. 

But the memories never failed to make him smile, he shut his book and set it aside when she sat in front of him. Her curious eyes followed the book, tilting her head in an awkward position to try and read the title but there wasn’t one.

“What’s that?” She pointed at the book and Erwin grabbed it again, he looked around before opening it and showing her a variety of foreign landscapes.

“I found it among my father’s old things,” A soft smile formed on his lips when her eyes widened in awe, “it’s all real and it’s out there — outside the walls.” She turned the pages, examining each drawing carefully before moving to the next. 

“No way! It’s beautiful, a fire lake?! How’s that even possible.” He handed her the book the deeper she explored it. He nodded and chuckled everytime she looked up at him, she neared the end of it rather quickly.

“Keep it, you’ll appreciate it more than I ever will.” She looked up again but with a shocked expression this time, he continued before she could interject, “But don’t tell anyone about it, my father was very specific when he said not to let anyone see the images that book holds.” 

“But you showed me…” She tilted her head, not really understanding what secrecy meant yet.

“I trust you.” Was all he said with another gentle smile. She shook her head moments after. 

“No, no. I can’t possibly keep this. It’s—“ She tried giving it back to him but he put his hand up.

“It’s a gift. Like I said, you’ll appreciate more than I will.” He stood up, she slowly stood after as well. “You always see the beauty in everything.”

She pressed her lips into a thin line and nodded, accepting his gift with a wide smile after. He nodded and started walking back to their village, she followed beside him with his gift pressed against her chest.

“Tell me Erwin, what do you think we’ll see when we go beyond the walls? Do you think the fire lakes will still be on fire?” She brushed her shoulder against his to grab his attention but he was already focused on her. He enjoyed her enthusiasm and optimism, the way she said ‘when’ and not ‘if’ like she already knew what she’d make of her future.

“I don’t know.” He looked ahead, he glanced back at her. “We have to get out there first.” Hinting to joining the Survey Corps, she’s heard him say it before and knew he wouldn’t repeat himself again in case his father could overhear. She looked at him and smiled as she always did.

“When you go, I’ll follow.” He returned the smile.

{~}

•825• When He was 13 years old, she was 11

It was a gloomy day, clouds had already started forming above them but she didn’t leave his side. 

“Erwin, would you like me to leave? So you could have a moment with your father?” His back was facing her, she put her hand on his shoulder to remind him that he wasn’t alone right now in case he didn’t hear her voice.

Today was the first time they wore black, to Mr. Smith’s funeral. Erwin hadn’t said a word all day, not because of his grief but because he knew deep down that it was his fault. 

He was looking down at his father’s tombstone when her touch brought him back to reality. He slightly turned his head to where she was barely able to see his eyes. She could see his sadness, guilt, and in that moment she saw him turn into someone else.

“It’s okay, I’m done.” He straightened his posture and fully turned to face her, her hand fell back to her side when he moved and she noticed his expression shifting towards a more serious one.

“Erwin, it’s perfectly okay to feel-“ Her eyebrows furrowed at his sudden lack of emotion.

“I said I’m done.” He cut her off, his tone wasn’t defensive but she didn’t press the matter when he started walking away from the cemetery.

She sighed and followed after him, water droplets began to lightly coat the area. Her dress was long but it didn’t stop the sudden shivers she got from the weather. She pulled her strands forward so she could somewhat protect them from the water droplets. Erwin noticed this and put an arm around her to somewhat shield her, she thanked him but he said nothing and kept looking forward.

{~}

•829• When He was 17 years old, she was 15

“I was hoping you were joking.” Erwin had stopped packing when he saw her standing at the front of his bedroom door, carrying a suitcase.

“Why would I joke about something like this?” They both knew what the matter at hand was, to leave for the Training Corps.

“You don’t belong in a place like that.” His voice didn’t sound caring, she had to admit he didn’t sound like he cared for much after the death of his father. She walked into his room as he resumed packing.

“But you do?” She raised an eyebrow, he shut his suitcase and looked at her. Just now noticing that she cut her hair, he thought it was odd because of how much she cherished her strands throughout their years of growing up together, her eyes seemed to have changed as well, they seemed...sad.

“Maybe.” He replied after a moment. Erwin carried his suitcase and walked to her when it looked like she was about to say something.

“We should get going.” She closed her mouth and gave him a nod, he caught her hurt expression that she quickly hid away as she turned towards the door, he followed closely behind her.

{~}

•832• When He was 20 years old, she was 18

“I’m proud of you, Erwin.” He hadn’t seen her smile in years, today was special though. It was graduation and they both managed to land in the top 10, and she was congratulating him when she made 1st place.

“I should be congratulating you, you surpassed us all.” He returned the smile, her smile widened only a little bit when he went the extra mile to show some emotion.

“What matters is that we both are in the top 10,” She hesitated and his suspicions were confirmed when she started talking again, “have you reconsidered?” She worried about him, that he didn’t change his mind since they were little. But that was then and this was now, she remained optimistic until his answer.

“My goals haven’t changed. If anything, they’ve gotten more concrete throughout our training.” He explained and she sighed while also attempting to hide her worry.

“You don’t have to worry any longer, I’ll be alright and you can join the Military Police with Nile since he changed his mind.” Erwin put his hand out for her to shake but she pushed it away, he furrowed his thick eyebrows in confusion.

“You’ll be ‘alright’ in the Survey Corps because I’ll be there watching your back.” This time he sighed, and she just shrugged because they both knew that she wouldn’t change her mind.

“When we were little, you said you’d follow me wherever I’d go but I’d sleep better at night if I knew you weren’t following me to an inevitable death.” The memory surfaced in her mind and it made her smile for a moment before she looked up into his icy blue orbs.

“It’s a good thing you don’t sleep much anyway.” She smirked and managed to make him smile softly, he grabbed her hand and they both tensed up. 

He didn’t know what came over him when he decided to grab her hand, but in that moment he saw her clearly for the first time in years. Her hair had grown, not to her old length but it was getting there. The optimism had returned to her eyes, he could’ve sworn they were (e/c) but now they resembled something he saw in his books, something about a ‘rare beauty of nature’. She had also grown, nowhere near his height but just for it to be noticeable and somehow she looked perfect for him. 

And there it was. The return of the unspoken feeling that they’d held for each other since their childhood, focusing on the Training Corps helped cover it up for both of them but that was over.

She saw him too. His blond hair had remained the same length, and his stubble was neatly trimmed leaving no room for imperfection. His eyes that she always associated with ice now looked more like the sky on a sunny day. She never minded how she always had to crane her neck to be able to see him, she was so much shorter but if they were to hug, their bodies would be perfect. But she never thought too much of the possibility, she knew Erwin and of his principles. It’d simply be too selfish to ask him to choose.

“Are you sure?” He had let go of her and cleared his throat. He didn’t know it but that wasn’t the last time he’d be unprofessional. She simply nodded. 

{~}

•844• When He was 32 years old, she was 30

“Isabel, Farlan, split up!” She heard their leader command and the trio soon disappeared into the mass of underground city. 

“Hange follow the female, I’ll follow the other one!” Miche called out to Hange and glanced behind him to the (h/c) haired Squad Leader, she only nodded and slowed her speed. 

She and Erwin would be tasked with bringing down the head of the operation, the black-haired thief who was proving his worth the more he slipped through Erwin’s grasp.

She heard men grunting and blades colliding, quickly grappling to the source, she arrived just in time to block a knife from piercing Erwin’s chest. She pushed away the black-haired thief and Erwin observed for a moment, his eyes trying to keep up with the beings in front of him that moved too quickly, they were almost blurs.

Humanity’s strongest against the Underground’s strongest and as much as he was impressed, he put an end to the fight when her blade was inches from the thief’s neck and his knife was about to pierce her chest. 

“Enough.” Erwin demanded as he grabbed the wrist of the thief, preventing him from piercing her skin. Both Squad Leader and thief had droplets of sweat running down the sides of their faces, it was a close fight. A fight both would gladly die for if it meant that the ones they cared about wouldn’t be hurt.

“Levi!” The red haired, female thief called out from behind them. Hange and Miche has captured their assigned targets, the brown haired Squad Leader let her blade fall to the side and Levi dropped his knife, he was defeated. 

~

She learned their names far too late. She arrived to Levi’s side far too late. Their formation had broken due to the rainy weather and it was every man for himself except that she couldn’t find Erwin and hoped that the bodies she found on the way to Levi didn’t have his face on them.

There they were. Levi was standing beside an abnormal titan, chopped up in too many different ways. Erwin was in front of him, he was saying something and that angered Levi. She jumped off her horse and rushed in their direction when Levi took his blade out and tried swinging it at Erwin’s neck. 

Erwin knew she’d react and so he put his hand up, signaling for her to stop moving while he controlled the situation. Erwin held Levi’s blade with his other one, taking great strength to keep the blade from coming closer to his neck but he could sense Levi was holding back.

Even though in that moment that Levi swore he’d kill them both, she saw someone stronger than herself, someone who could truly protect Erwin and the idea that humanity could win.

{~}

•846• When He was 34 years old, she was 32

They had survived the fall of Wall Maria, they had survived more expeditions and now Erwin was named the next commander. 

Over the weeks the (h/c) haired Squad Leader saw less and less of Erwin as he drowned in paperwork everyday in his office. She knew he didn’t sleep anymore, he put up a good show when they went for expeditions but she knew all too well that it was taking a toll on him, but he always assured her he was perfectly fine.

Maybe he really was fine. After all, she was the one who was pacing around in her room in the middle of the night. Her arms were crossed and her mind was somewhere else entirely. 

A thought that she had buried long ago was coming back to life and it placed its roots deep inside her. The thought of settling down and living a life of her own, it was selfish and she hated herself for taking the time to reconsider.

She had thought of it before leaving for the Training Corps with Erwin but she knew he wouldn’t join her. It was obvious they felt something for one another, even Levi and Hange had confronted them separately about it. Of course they denied it, hoping the duo would drop the subject and they did, that was weeks ago. 

She didn’t even remember seeing him after that, she offered to help him with the workload on a similar night like this one. And she did for a few minutes until their lust finally took over and they made love in his office for the first and last time. The morning after consisted of him telling her that it was best for them not to be seen together or be alone together. And although she reluctantly agreed, it made her chest ache every time she thought of it.

She had lived her entire life beside Erwin, always pictured him beside her when she thought of her future. But she could see for quite some time now that Erwin will follow his goals to the grave and she admired that about him, loved him for it. 

And she was always praised for her talents, her ability to always follow her duty to further Humanity into victory against the Titans, but she was wished this life offered her more. More love, smiles, laughs, a family, something that could give her life a real purpose.

She stopped pacing and stood in the middle of her room, she got lightheaded and felt sick. She rushed to the bathroom and puked in the toilet, the last thing she needed was to be ill when she was about to leave the Survey Corps.

She sat beside the toilet. Deep down she knew that Erwin didn’t need her anymore, he had Levi who she saw grew loyal to them, he had Hange who would further Humanity’s knowledge of the Titans and probably find a way to end them once and for all. He was surrounded by people devoted to his cause, something she no longer felt a part of. 

If she was entirely honest with herself, she wanted Erwin to live a long life alongside her. But she’d never ask him to choose, she knew the answer already.

Standing up, she left her bathroom and began walking out of her room, she headed straight for her superior’s office. She needed to tell him about this choice she was about to make. She stopped in front of his door and raised her hand to knock but she froze.

Memories of them flooded her mind. When she knew she loved him, she barely knew how to read. Moments of them talking about everything for hours on end. Remembering when the glances they gave each other lasted seconds too long. She remembered how one time after everyone when back to the Training barracks, she and him stayed alone together in the moonlight, they almost kissed that night. But she also remembered when she was there for him when he lost his family, she remembered when she knew she’d give her life for him. She still would, if he ever were to ask.

She felt a tear roll down her cheek, she immediately wiped it away and wondered why her mind chose to remind her of their life right now.

“State your name and business.” She was startled when she heard Erwin’s stern voice, clearly annoyed that someone was going to bother him when he was busy with his paperwork at such a late hour. 

She didn’t say anything. She quietly tiptoed away from the Commander's office, just far enough for him not to spot her if he opened his door. 

She wouldn’t tell him, at least not face to face. She couldn’t bear the look of disappointment he’d give her. She also knew that if she saw his face, his eyes, that she’d take back her decision and remain in the Survey Corps.

He didn’t want to speak to anyone this late into the night, but he must’ve imagined the footsteps because no one spoke and he didn’t hear any footsteps walking away. He glanced up to see if he could see a shadow but there was none, he looked back down and resumed his work.

She sighed quietly. Whatever she needed to say could simply be put into a letter that would get to him eventually, there was no need to waste any more of his time. 

“It’s late to be wandering around the hallways,” She heard a familiar voice behind her, she turned and her eyes met Levi’s. Normally, they snapped and joked with one another and he expected a sarcastic remark right about now but he could sense something was different now. He looked behind her, at Erwin’s door, “you know you can just walk in there, he won’t mind you.”

Hearing him say that only pained her even more but she hid her emotions well. She softly shook her head and faked a smile.

“Whatever I need to say can wait until morning, I don’t want to bother him.” Levi’s eyes narrowed, he could tell she was holding something back.

“Are you finally going to confess your feelings?” She wasn’t ready for that question at this exact moment, and even though he had confronted her about it before, now he was going to push it. “It’s obvious. And Hange plans to trap you both for a ‘couples’ intervention soon.”

She didn’t understand why he cared about their feelings but it was too late for that, was it?

“Erwin wouldn’t want me to love him in this world.” She hesitated and Levi leaned against the wall.

“Maybe, maybe not.” His expressionless eyes watched her, he could watch her struggle with something. Over the years he had learned to care about her and Erwin and even four-eyes. They were complex people fighting in a overly cruel world and though he’ll never admit it to their faces, Levi admires them.

“Thank you for the advice, Levi, but it can wait until tomorrow.” She sighed and gently smiled at him, she started to walk down the corridor but stopped. 

“Levi, can I ask you something?” Her back was facing him and he glanced at her.

“Hm?” 

“When we first met…” She took a pause but she needed to know so she continued, “I had my blade centimeters from your neck and you had your knife a breath away my chest. Would you have killed me and everyone else in that moment if it meant you’d save Farlan and Isabel?”

“Without hesitation.” He wasn’t sure where that question was coming from but he made sure he’d answer her honestly. But if she asked him if he would give his life for her or Erwin’s or Hange, he’d answer her that all they had to do was order him to.

“Good.” He barely caught her words when she quietly replied.

“Are you asking because you still don’t trust me?” Levi was honest, now he wanted to hear her say it. That maybe she didn’t trust him, after everything.

“Actually, the polar opposite.” She chuckled which he found odd, “I won’t keep you any longer but could you tell Hange I won’t be joining her tomorrow morning for her usual experiments, I wouldn’t want her to wait up for me.” 

“I’m assuming it’s because you’ll be talking to Eyebrows.” She chuckled again and he crossed his arms.

“Yes, of course.” Still having her back facing Levi, she started to walk. “Goodnight, Levi.” 

“Night, Squad Leader.” Levi began walking to his room, he found their talk rather odd but it was the middle of the night and they were both probably sleep deprived.

 

•850• When He was 38 years old, she had left 

~~~

“Erwin!!!!” He woke to Hange’s voice coming closer to his office, she sounded very upset. He got up from his chair and got a cup of water for her when she entered the room. 

“What did you do!!!” She pointed her finger at him, knocking over the glass of water in his hand, he was shocked. He could see tears forming in her eyes and he grew concerned because he didn’t know what she was accusing him of.

“What is it, Hange?” He was about to stop her from pacing the room but she smacked his chest with a letter. Erwin took it, it was already opened and he instantly recognized the handwriting, it was hers.

—

“Dearest Erwin,  
Firstly, I must apologize for not keeping my word, for not following you everywhere you go like I said from when we were children. I had always thought of my future with you in it but for a while now I could see just how devoted you are to your goal and I do hope in a nearer future that you achieve it and finally learn what the word peace means. Before, I wished for things to go down a different path, a smoother and a more loving one but now I can say I don’t regret anything, every moment I spent with you I will always cherish.  
And on that note, I offer my resignation. I believe it’s easier for the both of us if I don’t explain any more but I do hope you accept it because by the time you read this, I’ll already be arriving at Wall Sina where I plan to live out the rest of my days to proudly serve my King and live with a family of my own in a distant future.  
I’m sorry I let you down, Commander.”

—

He furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Hange. She had stopped pacing and stood in front of him.

“All her stuff is gone, she’s gone and she didn’t even say goodbye.” Hange exclaimed. Erwin remained still, not believing what he had just read.

“She was going to.” They both turned to Levi, who was standing against the door frame. Erwin opened his mouth but Levi spoke again. “She was here last night, maybe to tell you in person or maybe she wanted you to change her mind.” Erwin looked at the floor, so he didn’t imagine the footsteps last night. It was her and he let her walk away. And it hit him hard.

“Why didn’t you talk to her?” Levi looked at the angered scientist with bored eyes.

“Calm down, foureyes, I did. She sounded different, now I know why but I’m positive she already had her mind set.” Levi looked back at Erwin, who was rereading the letter.

“There’s got to be a way to bring her back, she-“ Hange began rambling off and Erwin stopped her when he gave her back the letter.

“I can’t and I won’t. We lost a valuable asset today but the choice has been made.” Erwin’s voice remained calm and he walked to seat himself next to his desk.

“She loves you!” Hange took a deep breath to finally compose herself before continuing, “Tell her, after all this time Erwin, tell her that you have always felt the same.” Erwin shook his head.

“It’s for the best.” And with that the conversation ended. And not going after her was his first and only regret.

~~~

He was remembering that conversation from 4 years ago just now? Just when the Survey Corps was helping clean the destroyed Stohess district? 

The Female Titan had transformed inside Wall Sina, he gambled and won but at a heavy expense. The countless bodies of soldiers piled up in carts and they repaired whatever houses they could.

Erwin stopped when he spotted the corpse of a little girl, she was wearing a familiar baby blue colored dress, her (h/c) hair covered her face. She looked like someone he met decades ago. Was this a nightmare?

He approached her slowly, half her tiny body was covered in rubble. He kneeled down and pulled her body away, carefully enough to not damage body her any more. When he noticed that her body somehow was heavier than usual, he spotted a larger hand gripping the toddler’s hand under the rubble. It must’ve been the little one’s parent.

The parent’s grip on the little one was too strong so he moved over to the parent and tried moving the heavy rubble off them. He struggled but he managed to push off most of the weight that was pressing against them but it still covered the parents face, he noticed that it was the mother. When he moved to push the rubble off the woman’s face, his eyes widened and he quickly stepped back.

He didn’t realize the woman was holding a book with her other hand until now. The same book he gave her ages ago. It was her. Her corpse and the corpse of her daughter.

Nile approached Erwin to scold him about his careless way at capturing the Titan but he gasped when he also spotted them.

“No, no. I just, just spoke to her yesterday she- no!” Nile frantically pushed more rubble off of them. It snapped Erwin back into reality and he helped Nile.

Once the corpses weren’t weighed down by any rubble, Nile remained kneeled while Erwin stood.

“Will you inform her husband?” Erwin’s eyes stayed on the woman’s corpse, thankfully her face was also covered by her bloody strands, he wouldn’t be able to hold it in if he saw her lifeless face.

“She never married.” Nile looked up and frowned. 

“And the child?” Erwin’s eyebrows furrowed when he looked down at Nile who now began to stand up.

“She was pregnant when she left the Survey Corps..” Nile tilted his head, “I thought that’s why you had her resign.” Erwin glanced away, confusion clouding his features. 

“I wasn’t aware of that.” Erwin kept his posture calm as always, and Nile’s face showed disgust.

“This is what happens when you’re in control, Erwin. You kill innocent people to ‘benefit’ humanity, you killed the woman I know you still love and her child! We were friends before but I cannot forgive this.” Nile pushed past Erwin.

“The child, how old was she?” Nile stopped when he heard Erwin.

“4 years old.” Nile paused, talking to Erwin now cleared things up for Nile that she always denied. But it was clear to him now, “Erwin, as I think about it now, the little girl had eyes similar to yours.” And with that the Military Police officer left.

Erwin’s eyes slightly widened in realization, he kneeled beside her. He remembered the night that they made love, 4 years ago. It was a magical night to say the least, neither of them gave in because of their lust, no it was love in its purest form. He really did love her in that moment but he wanted to protect her and so he shut her out immediately after. It wasn’t fair at all but he hoped that she, alone would decide to leave his side, and she did, and for a while he would’ve liked to believe she lived a risk-free life. 

She found her purpose raising her daughter, their daughter. And he robbed her of that when he claimed to fight for humanity. 

Erwin unclipped his cape and threw it over his family, the length of it covered them completely. He didn’t cry when his father died, and he didn’t cry when his family died. He would continue to move forward, with no regrets, no pain.

• When he was alone, she was watching him from above •


End file.
